We're all searching for ourselves in unique ways. Some dive headlong into careers believing that money will provide happiness and solve their issues. Others hibernate within their homes playing video games, desperately searching for distractions from reality in order to avoid growing up. I've chosen to search for myself on the roadways of America.
What thrust me onto the roads of America was discontent. I found that I wasn't happy with where I was and what I was doing with my life. I honestly felt like I was just wasting my time. For years I've been trying to function inside some manmade system that the world tried to convince me was the way I was supposed to live and the lie was that it'd bring happiness by following its formula. In high school, I ran cross country and track, at first because I enjoyed it, and then because it was expected of me. I then went to college because I was told one can't succeed in America without a degree. I then furthered this education by getting a Master's degree because the unwritten rule is that a better job with a higher salary will present itself. And what has this all done for me you might ask? Well, I'll tell you what it's done; it's turned me into an unemployment statistic. So much for trying to live within the confines of the system, right? Rather than it bringing happiness, I've seen the system pummel and almost crush people under a weight of misery (myself included). They became beaten and downtrodden, shells of their former selves until they decided to escape the tumult in order to follow their own dreams and definition of success. I've personally discovered that I've lived too long trying to live up to other people's definition of success. What is success anyway? There is no clear cut way to define it because it means something different to each person. And that's the problem with trying to live up to someone else's expectations; their expectations aren't the same as your expectations and your true self gets lost in the melee. Rather than enjoying life, you end up living in fear of failure. After listening to the song "
Letdown" by The Glass Child, I knew I wasn't the only one who felt this way about going through this life in an empty fashion. This song is the epitome of trying to stay true to oneself while desperately trying to avoid failing others. I no longer wish to live this way and would rather discover myself outside the confines of other's expectations.
I don't know why I didn't discover this sooner. I've always channeled the first line of
Romans 12:2, which warns against being conformed to the ways of the world. Looking back, I've always pushed back against the system in any way possible. In my running career, I refused to follow the coach's instruction to train in the winter. Instead, I took time off, which probably spared me from serious injury, although it caused some friction with the coach. In college, while I always strived to achieve good grades, I didn't do it at the expense of my social life. I've always felt that other people were more important than my personal goals and that we're meant to have fun outside the confines of work and trying to be the best at something. It's this living for other's that has helped shape me and gotten me to where I am today. Being unemployed has provided me with ample opportunities to wander and go on adventures that otherwise would have never come to fruition. It's on these adventures that I have had the ability to serve others. No longer am I the hopeless wanderer that Mumford and Sons speak of. Rather, I'm living my life with purpose, although some may not agree. What my detractors need to be aware of, though, is that "not all those who wander are lost," borrowing wise words from J.R.R Tolkien.
The adventure that really began to shape and mold me into my present self took place back in November. After Hurricane Sandy, I chose to volunteer for two weeks with Samaritan's Purse in Teterboro, NJ. This was life changing in many ways. It not only opened my eyes to the pain and suffering of the struggling lower class, it also helped me build another family. I was able to listen to those who needed to share their stories and I was able to assist in cleaning up storm damaged homes. I have to admit, those were the most rewarding weeks of 2012 for me, and I was functioning outside the confines of the system where one only works for money. It was a reminder that the most important things in life don't have a price tag on them, that we need to be aware of those around us, and that we must always be willing to give of ourselves to benefit others.
That trip to Teterboro opened a door for me into a world focused completely on serving others. It led me to volunteer for a day in Island Park, NY, with friends from North Carolina at the end of January. More importantly, feeling led by the Holy Spirit, my team leader from Teterboro and his wife chose to move into the trailer park where we served back in November in order to further serve the community that was in desperate need spiritually. I opted to move into their RV for three weeks in order to connect with those in the trailer park. I felt it was important to listen to all of their stories and learn about their lives. I can't think of any other situation where I could comfortably interact with alcoholics, recovering drug addicts, the lowly, and depressed and we could openly learn from each other. It brought to my attention the desperate situations that certain people are living in and how the systems of the world can truly fail people.
I opted to go home after three weeks in the trailer park to rest and recuperate since I was emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. When I was in my parents house, though, I didn't feel like I was truly home. I felt like I was detached from my true purpose. After two days of being "home," I was restless and antsy to leave. It was a strange realization that being stationary at home was distressing, as opposed to relaxing. Now don't get me wrong, I love my parents very much, but I no longer felt like my time was being well spent on the couch of the living room as I struggled to find and apply for a "real job." What I opted to do instead was call Samaritan's Purse to see if they needed volunteers for tornado clean-up. I was told they did, so I applied online and got a phone call about two hours later to set up my trip. That led me to venture out on the road again and brought me to where I am currently, which specifically is a Barnes and Noble in Lewisburg, PA, where I sit passing my afternoon and sipping on a mocha frappucino (Yet another way to buck the system; drinking cold beverages in the winter, though it actually causes vasoconstriction of the blood vessels, reducing the loss of core body temperature and keeping one warm, so ha, I win!). I'm patiently waiting for some friends of mine to get out of work so we can enjoy some fun hours at the bounce-plex this evening followed by a seven mile trail race tomorrow afternoon. Then it'll be an early start Sunday to follow my calling down to the tornado ravaged area of Petal, MS.
Looking back, I'm very thankful that the system failed me so that I could rediscover myself on the road. Those original two weeks in Teterboro really helped to shape my life. In the process of discovering my purpose in life, I had to be willing to throw away my concept of success and completely redefine it from a different perspective. I also had to discard whatever I felt was my plan in life. A really catchy song I've fallen in love with that pretty much describes me is "
And Run" by He is We. The lyrics really speak to me because they say, "I’m going to open my mind to all these, new found exciting possibilities. I’m making all my own plans, throwing all my old ones away. Gonna grow up, be someone. Draw a map, find a path. Take a breath and run." That's pretty much my life on the road. I follow the path I find on a map and just go for it and in the process, I'm creating a new life for myself by serving others and glorifying God. I can confidently say that I know I'm where I'm supposed to be and the people who matter the most to me, and understand what I'm doing, are proud of me. And in the words of the
Glass Child, "This road is now my home."
I'm currently in a Panera in downtown Chattanooga after an 11 hour drive. I feel very accomplished because I have been in six states today: Pennsylvania, Maryland, West Virginia, Virginia, Tennessee, and Georgia. I had a lovely exchange with a cashier at a BP in Virginia. I asked her how her day was going and she responded with, "It's going," before asking me about my day. I said that it involved a long drive because I was on my way to Chattanooga. Upon asking me why, I proceeded to tell her how I'm volunteering with Samaritan's Purse for tornado cleanup in Mississippi. Her response was, "Bless you heart and have a blessed day! Also stay safe!" Nice to know that even a stranger wants me to be careful in my travels.
The drive went smoothly and I had time to drive up Lookout Mountain, which is on the Georgia/Tennessee border. I opted to venture into the Ruby Falls cavern for a tour and was very excited to see the 145 foot waterfall that is 1000 feet underground. It's pretty spectacular and I'm very glad that I was able to play tourist. Now it's about time I finish my food so I can go find a place to park my car for a nap.
