Self Discovery as a Vagabond

“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry.” ~Jack Kerouac

We're all searching for ourselves in unique ways. Some dive headlong into careers believing that money will provide happiness and solve their issues. Others hibernate within their homes playing video games, desperately searching for distractions from reality in order to avoid growing up. I've chosen to search for myself on the roadways of America.
What thrust me onto the roads of America was discontent. I found that I wasn't happy with where I was and what I was doing with my life. I honestly felt like I was just wasting my time. For years I've been trying to function inside some manmade system that the world tried to convince me was the way I was supposed to live and the lie was that it'd bring happiness by following its formula. In high school, I ran cross country and track, at first because I enjoyed it, and then because it was expected of me. I then went to college because I was told one can't succeed in America without a degree. I then furthered this education by getting a Master's degree because the unwritten rule is that a better job with a higher salary will present itself. And what has this all done for me you might ask? Well, I'll tell you what it's done; it's turned me into an unemployment statistic. So much for trying to live within the confines of the system, right? Rather than it bringing happiness, I've seen the system pummel and almost crush people under a weight of misery (myself included). They became beaten and downtrodden, shells of their former selves until they decided to escape the tumult in order to follow their own dreams and definition of success. I've personally discovered that I've lived too long trying to live up to other people's definition of success. What is success anyway? There is no clear cut way to define it because it means something different to each person. And that's the problem with trying to live up to someone else's expectations; their expectations aren't the same as your expectations and your true self gets lost in the melee. Rather than enjoying life, you end up living in fear of failure. After listening to the song "Letdown" by The Glass Child, I knew I wasn't the only one who felt this way about going through this life in an empty fashion. This song is the epitome of trying to stay true to oneself while desperately trying to avoid failing others. I no longer wish to live this way and would rather discover myself outside the confines of other's expectations.
I don't know why I didn't discover this sooner. I've always channeled the first line of Romans 12:2, which warns against being conformed to the ways of the world. Looking back, I've always pushed back against the system in any way possible. In my running career, I refused to follow the coach's instruction to train in the winter. Instead, I took time off, which probably spared me from serious injury, although it caused some friction with the coach. In college, while I always strived to achieve good grades, I didn't do it at the expense of my social life. I've always felt that other people were more important than my personal goals and that we're meant to have fun outside the confines of work and trying to be the best at something. It's this living for other's that has helped shape me and gotten me to where I am today. Being unemployed has provided me with ample opportunities to wander and go on adventures that otherwise would have never come to fruition. It's on these adventures that I have had the ability to serve others. No longer am I the hopeless wanderer that Mumford and Sons speak of. Rather, I'm living my life with purpose, although some may not agree. What my detractors need to be aware of, though, is that "not all those who wander are lost," borrowing wise words from J.R.R Tolkien.
The adventure that really began to shape and mold me into my present self took place back in November. After Hurricane Sandy, I chose to volunteer for two weeks with Samaritan's Purse in Teterboro, NJ. This was life changing in many ways. It not only opened my eyes to the pain and suffering of the struggling lower class, it also helped me build another family. I was able to listen to those who needed to share their stories and I was able to assist in cleaning up storm damaged homes. I have to admit, those were the most rewarding weeks of 2012 for me, and I was functioning outside the confines of the system where one only works for money. It was a reminder that the most important things in life don't have a price tag on them, that we need to be aware of those around us, and that we must always be willing to give of ourselves to benefit others.
That trip to Teterboro opened a door for me into a world focused completely on serving others. It led me to volunteer for a day in Island Park, NY, with friends from North Carolina at the end of January. More importantly, feeling led by the Holy Spirit, my team leader from Teterboro and his wife chose to move into the trailer park where we served back in November in order to further serve the community that was in desperate need spiritually. I opted to move into their RV for three weeks in order to connect with those in the trailer park. I felt it was important to listen to all of their stories and learn about their lives. I can't think of any other situation where I could comfortably interact with alcoholics, recovering drug addicts, the lowly, and depressed and we could openly learn from each other. It brought to my attention the desperate situations that certain people are living in and how the systems of the world can truly fail people.
I opted to go home after three weeks in the trailer park to rest and recuperate since I was emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. When I was in my parents house, though, I didn't feel like I was truly home. I felt like I was detached from my true purpose. After two days of being "home," I was restless and antsy to leave. It was a strange realization that being stationary at home was distressing, as opposed to relaxing. Now don't get me wrong, I love my parents very much, but I no longer felt like my time was being well spent on the couch of the living room as I struggled to find and apply for a "real job." What I opted to do instead was call Samaritan's Purse to see if they needed volunteers for tornado clean-up. I was told they did, so I applied online and got a phone call about two hours later to set up my trip. That led me to venture out on the road again and brought me to where I am currently, which specifically is a Barnes and Noble in Lewisburg, PA, where I sit passing my afternoon and sipping on a mocha frappucino (Yet another way to buck the system; drinking cold beverages in the winter, though it actually causes vasoconstriction of the blood vessels, reducing the loss of core body temperature and keeping one warm, so ha, I win!). I'm patiently waiting for some friends of mine to get out of work so we can enjoy some fun hours at the bounce-plex this evening followed by a seven mile trail race tomorrow afternoon. Then it'll be an early start Sunday to follow my calling down to the tornado ravaged area of Petal, MS.

Looking back, I'm very thankful that the system failed me so that I could rediscover myself on the road. Those original two weeks in Teterboro really helped to shape my life. In the process of discovering my purpose in life, I had to be willing to throw away my concept of success and completely redefine it from a different perspective. I also had to discard whatever I felt was my plan in life. A really catchy song I've fallen in love with that pretty much describes me is "And Run" by He is We. The lyrics really speak to me because they say, "I’m going to open my mind to all these, new found exciting possibilities. I’m making all my own plans, throwing all my old ones away. Gonna grow up, be someone. Draw a map, find a path. Take a breath and run." That's pretty much my life on the road. I follow the path I find on a map and just go for it and in the process, I'm creating a new life for myself by serving others and glorifying God. I can confidently say that I know I'm where I'm supposed to be and the people who matter the most to me, and understand what I'm doing, are proud of me. And in the words of the Glass Child, "This road is now my home." 

Twitter, Darling Parade, and the Launch Music Festival

So since I'm still wide awake thanks to the free Red Bull I got at the Launch Festival, let me give you a brief rundown of how tonight's trek down to Lancaster all came to fruition.
About two months ago I decided to start a Twitter account just for kicks. I was always one of those big believers in the fact that the majority of the world probably doesn't give a hoot about what you're doing or what you have to say. Then I remembered that I write this blog and some actually read it, so why not compress thoughts into tweets to go along better with the short attention span that society has adopted. Anyways, after a little while I started getting some followers here and there. I've had a handful of bands start following me because I assume that's a good way for them to promote themselves. Needless to say, one of the bands that randomly began following me one day was Darling Parade. Since I'm a fan of music, I always check out the bands that follow me to see if it's worth purchasing some new tunes off iTunes. After listening to "Bells Are Ringing" and "Never Fall Down" I was sold. I think I really gravitated towards the song "Never Fall Down" because of the line, "You can't get up if you never fall down." It was a nice reminder to embed into my brain because frustration has been brewing closer to the surface the past couple weeks due to my unsuccessful attempts of trying to become gainfully employed as an exercise physiologist in order to put my Master's degree to good use, instead of it collecting dust on a shelf. I think I forgot the importance of fighting for my dreams after being relatively successful for the first 23.5 years of my life (albeit a few bumps in the road). But these past couple of months have really stripped me down to the core, making the months that led up to my 24th birthday rather strenuous, which is all the more reason why I think I needed to hear "Never Fall Down. I seemed to have forgotten that it is through our trials that we are molded. Funny how I needed a song to remind me of this even though I know full well that this is exactly the point that is made in Romans 5:3-5.
Now let's fast forward to this past week. On Monday, I saw that Darling Parade was going to be playing in Lehighton on Wednesday, so I figured why not go. I was in need of escape from the monotony of my life that usually involves working part time as a secondary office assistant, searching and applying to jobs, moving my possessions back to my parents, and caring for the stampeding cats. Before hopping in my car, though, I decided to tweet that I was going to watch Darling Parade. Funny thing, on my drive to Lehighton, I was contemplating whether many people would even be there because the show was in Lehighton, and lets be honest, there's really nothing there. There should just be a "Welcome to Lehighton" sign about 500 yards before a "You Are Now Leaving Lehighton" sign. When I finally found the venue, which I'll admit I missed on my first drive through town, I knew my thoughts were confirmed. I was one of maybe five people that showed up, but some of the bands were still going to play, such as Auburn, Carousel Kings, and Major League. Unfortunately for them, considering the venue had graffiti on the walls inside and there was a pitbull behind the counter, the sound system wasn't that great and all of the lyrics were drowned out by the instruments. All of the bands gave a valiant effort, but it just wasn't meant to be, much like my seeing Darling Parade in concert because they weren't actually there. I was a little bummed, but I was still happy to have had a distraction for a couple hours.
Fast forward to Thursday afternoon and I realize that Darling Parade has actually responded to one of my tweets. I was actually surprised and intrigued by this. As it turns out, it was an apology for not being in Lehighton to play. I was stunned by this, but maybe that's because I've become slightly cynical  from living in the fast paced Northeast where nobody seems to give you the time of day, let alone take the time to apologize. I of course expressed the fact that it wasn't a problem because they probably needed the rest to get healthy since I was aware that a few band members were sick. This got another response mentioning that their last show was going to be on Friday in Lancaster as a part of the Launch Music Festival. Again, I was sold because I happen to be off on Friday's and Lancaster is only a two hour drive from the Burg. To some this might seem far, but for someone who recently drove 8 hours to Michigan for Easter and has done a cross country roadtrip, two hours is a piece of cake.
On my drive down, I actually got a call from a coordinator at a hospital in Indiana who wanted to ask me some pre-screening questions to determine if my application should be considered for an interview. For some, this may not seem like much, but for me, this is the closest one of my online applications has gotten to being considered. This put me in a great mood, which was just the start of a fantastic night. Once I arrived at the Lancaster Convention Center, I loitered briefly in the lobby to get my bearings. To my surprise, some of the members of Auburn remembered me from Wednesday and came over to say hi. I guess neon orange shoes are memorable, but it was nice to not just be thought of as another face in the crowd because I feel like I go through enough of life being just that. I then got my ticket for Darling Parade and ventured into Freedom Hall A where they happened to be setting up. I got introduced to all of the members, who were all incredibly gracious and surprised that  I would drive down two hours to a show. Their show was definitely worth the drive, along with all of the other bands that played. I was thankful that I got another chance to see Major League and Carousel Kings because they are extremely talented bands that unfortunately suffered an injustice in Lehighton due to a less-than-stellar sound system. Another memorable band from the evening, which happens to be from Lancaster, was Darry Miller and The Veil. Amid the performances, I chatted a bit with the members of Darling Parade about the tour, weather, my Harley Jacket, and exercise. They all seem down to earth and genuine, which you don't always find in the music business. I took the time to also buy their newest EP, along with a bracelet to add to my ever-growing collection on my wrists. I also got an EP by Major League to add some new music to my library. After four hours of music, I determined it was best to venture back home, so I said my goodbyes and trekked the two hours back to the Burg. Needless to say, I'm definitely glad I escaped my monotonous bubble of life in order to experience the Launch Music Festival.

Quakertown Regional Conference on Reformed Theology

I spent Friday evening and Saturday at Grace Bible Fellowship Church attending the Regional Conference on Reformed Theology. The best way to describe the conference is amazing. I was impacted by the teachings, each one of them getting me to think more in depth on the topic of Our Great God. Each speaker had their own unique preaching style, which all conveyed a clearcut message about God and how we are to think, act, and respond. I will do my best to highlight what I absorbed during each teaching by paraphrasing the notes I took during the conference. *None of the following ideas or concepts were formulated by me, but by the conference speakers.*

The first speaker on Friday was Bryan Chapell who discussed the topic of The Greatness of God. The main point was the fact that God is a counter-distinction to humanity, which means that He is set apart. This was important to what was conveyed in the description of the verse, Romans 4:18, which begins, "In hope he believed against hope..." This was referring to Abraham when God revealed that he would be the father of many nations, even though he was an elderly man and his wife, Sarah, was barren. Chapell asked us what it meant to, "hope against hope." He said that it was the pitting of divine hope against human hope. In every instance of this situation, divine hope will prevail because it comes from God, who is set apart and greater than humanity. To apply this concept in your own life, you must believe that you will prevail in the long run without hiding from the brutal reality of your present circumstances. The hope we have in God will keep us from wavering in our faith because we can trust God to provide because He sent us Jesus and He can bring dead things back to life.

Another concept that Chapell said we must grasp about God's greatness is the fact that He blesses us out of His own faithfulness and not our own faithfulness. We are saved by grace alone and God's promises are eternal. We must also learn from the situations that God places us in because He sometimes puts us in particular circumstances in order to strip away our self confidence so that all that remains is our faith in God. You need to decide if you are relying on yourself or on God and then realize that you bring nothing to the equation. God is the only one who can provide and that proof can be found in Jesus being raised from the dead as justification for our trespasses. This act of love was proof of God's mercy, which is the only thing that can provide us with hope in life.

The second speaker on Friday was Richard Phillips who discussed The Holiness of God. He spoke about how we cannot actually discuss what holiness is because being holy means to be set apart to be used for God. God is above and beyond us and has an all consuming majesty. We can only discuss what holiness is not because that is the perspective we have as a sinful society. The spiritual essence of God is beyond our comprehension. 

In 2 Samuel 6, David was trying to comprehend God's holiness. This passage discusses bringing the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem. David wanted to honor God by bringing the Ark to Jerusalem, but he became angry when Uzzah was struck down in God's wrath. This occurred when Uzzah tried to prevent the Ark from falling into the mud and he touched it, which is forbidden. In truth, God was justified to kill Uzzah because he was disobedient. As Richard Phillips stated, "Uzzah was arrogant enough to think that his hand was cleaner than the earth. This just isn't so because humans are sinful creatures while the earth is at least obedient, making Uzzah more filthy than the mud." God's holiness gives Him this right, and it is because of God's holiness that we must gather in church and worship is glory. We must not shy away from what is holy, but instead accept the great mercy that abounds from God through Christ's death on the cross. In the end, what we must do is humble ourselves, confess our sins, and place them on the cross of the Holy One.

Kevin DeYoung was the first speaker on Saturday morning. His topic was The Truth of God. He started by mentioning how religion is a process of discovery, not revelation, and our knowledge of God can't escape our culture. Truth is necessary within Christianity because the gospel is the only absolute truth in this world. This truth needs to be preserved and not reinvented to suit our own needs. DeYoung taught that there are three misconceptions on truth that are held, which include sincerity is a measure of truth, humility is inconsistent with certainty (assurance is misconstrued as arrogance and confidence is seen as cockiness), and the notion that all we have is interpretations of truth, but no clear concept. I was greatly intrigued by the fact that sincerity is not a measure of truth. DeYoung illustrated this misconception using Philippians 1:15-18, which states, "It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice." This scripture mentioned that some only preach out of selfish ambition and only appear sincere, but the importance is in the fact that the gospel is being shared with people. Those who attacked on 9/11 sincerely believed in what they were doing, but that didn't mean it was true. 

DeYoung also taught that when we share the truth of the gospel, we must not burden individuals with difficult concepts. Instead, slipping a small idea into their mind for them to mull over is best. This is much like "putting a pebble in someone's shoe." Along with this, DeYoung stated the one vital truth that we all must hold on to is the fact that our God speaks to us. The Bible is God's Word. Any questions that we might have should be directed towards this text in order to find the answers. Those who refuse to listen to the Word of God are refusing to obey the truth. Everybody wants to discover who God is, but He already revealed Himself through Jesus and in the scriptures. We must never forget this most important truth, but we also must not be like the ignorant and unstable who twist scripture to say what they want it to say.
The next topic was The Wrath of God, which was taught by Richard Phillips. The scripture he focused on was Hebrews 10:26-31, which states, "If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' and again, 'The Lord will judge his people.' It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." Many people recoil at the idea of a loving God sending some His people to hell for eternity. What they seem to forget is that God is not only loving, but just, and He has the right to bring down judgement on those who reject Him. Phillips used the analogy of the college professor who has his students turn in three papers during the semester. The professor clearly states that any late papers will result in an automatic failure of the course. When the first paper is due, a quarter of the students bring their papers late, but the professor shows mercy and does not fail them. The students recognize this and are thankful, so when the next paper is due, half the students are late turning them in, but the professor again shows mercy, which the students are thankful for. When the last paper is due, three quarters of the class turn in their papers late and the professor fails all of them, which causes an outrage among his students, but they forget to realize that the professor reserves the right to do this, even though he showed mercy in the past.
Phillips says that even though it is hard for us to stomach everlasting torment, we need to remember that God hates all that is evil and wicked and He cannot live in harmony with it, which is why God brings wrath against that which is evil. Phillips also said that we must avoid embracing a sinful lifestyle and that the only way for us to know if we are true followers of Christ is by having fruit apparent in our life (referring to the fruits of the Spirit, which include love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control ~ Galatians 5:22-23). Phillips said we cannot trust mere emotional responses as marks of salvation. Otherwise, we are like those mentioned in the passage from Hebrews who mentally grasp the Gospel, but still spurn Jesus in their hearts by continuing to flagrantly sin. The worst thing one can do is tell such people that they are Christians just because they know the Word of God. Unless they are living it out and there is a definite change, the best thing that someone can do is force these people to confront teachings on the wrath of God so that they understand the horrible consequences of trampling on the name of Jesus. Phillips' closing remarks were that God is not terrible; sin is terrible. Also, the wrath of God on the cross was also a measure of God's love for us.
The workshop that I chose to attend in the afternoon was led by Kevin DeYoung and was entitled: Just Do Something. DeYoung spent much of the time discussing how people use "waiting to hear God's plan" as an excuse to be lazy, not take initiative, and place responsibility on somebody other than themselves. DeYoung said that, instead, we should capitalize on our skills and talents and take risks, as opposed to wasting our time "tinkering" and refusing to grow up into adulthood. Many are just sitting and waiting for a word from God when instead they should be going and getting jobs and trusting that it is all a part of God's plan. It is sheer ignorance to think that God would actually reveal is plan for your future to you before you discovered it by living day by day. DeYoung said that we are too preoccupied with the future and wanting to know now, rather than being patient and trusting that everything will work out. DeYoung said that the three reasons we are so desperate to figure out God's will is because we want to please God, many are timid and hesitant, many are searching for perfect fulfillment, we have too many choices, and we are cowardly. We need to focus on building in faithfulness instead of fulfillment and get away from this concept that everyday of our lives is supposed to be spectacular and full of adventure. We also need to focus on making decisions. Too many can't be decisive because formulating a decision means rejecting other options.
DeYoung also taught that the conventional approach to life is bad because it focuses on nonmoral decisions, implies we have a sneaky God who refuses to reveal things He knows to us, encourages preoccupation with the future, undermines personal responsibility, accountability, and initiative, and we become slaves to subjectiveness and hopelessly seek feelings. The preoccupation with the future truly betrays our lack of trust in God, which creates anxiety. DeYoung says that anxiety is really living out the future before it gets here, which involves worrying about future troubles without acknowledging future graces. DeYoung also says that nobody should ever cloak talk of their personal decisions in religious words or concepts. They should say that they chose a particular job, place to live, relationship, travel plans etc. based on the fact that they feel it is best, not because "this is God's plan" or "God directed me down this path." DeYoung stresses that this strips away accountability and responsibility for the action because those phrases create barriers that rebuff arguments.
DeYoung closed by saying that anybody who is searching for the will of God should turn to the Bible. Within the text, one will find that God wants us all to be transformed to be more like Christ. That is His true desire and hope for our future; to grow in Christlikeness. The first part of I Thessalonians 4:3 states, "It is God's will that you should be sanctified." Through sanctification, we will become more loving, humble, and pure, which are all attributes of Jesus.
Brian Chapell taught the last topic, which was The Love of God. He began his discussion by clarifying the words, "But where sin increased, grace increased all the more," which are found within Romans 5:20. Chapell said that this was not a license to sin. The gospel does not wish for people to indulge in sin. Because we are united with Christ, we share in His death and resurrection. To explain all of this, Chapell referenced Romans 6:1-14 ~ "What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—because anyone who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace."
Chapell continued by saying that God's love for us is based on your faith in Jesus and that we are all made right before God for what Christ has done. Once we are committed to Christ, we die to sin and are transformed to be more like Christ. Dying to sin means that we should no longer indulge in it. We are instead united to Christ, who was pure and loving. Our goal is to become more like Christ and to run from the slavery of sin. Also, once we are united in Christ, we are free from the condemnation and guilt of past sin. We must not dwell on what we have down, but instead strive to improve and always look forward. Chapell closed by saying that we all must remember and realize that we live before the face of God, that sin at its core is lack of love and should not have power over your life, focus on the passion of Christ, which will fill us with the love of Christ, and to live for Jesus because it's your calling and your identity. In Chapell's words, "Your calling is to remember how much you are loved and you are to live for Him who gives you power to do so."
I was very grateful for all I learned during the conference and very empowered and refreshed by each and every teaching. I am really looking forward to going again next year and would encourage you all to join me.