Abandoning Autopilot

I just trekked back to my mountain after a brief visit to Binghamton to watch the newest episode of Bones. As I was driving home, my Ipod died because I have been a bum and haven't charged it. Now the normal response to this situation would be to put in a CD or listen to the radio, but I chose to think and just enjoy listening to the wind through my open window. It was a beautiful night for a drive with the temperature hovering around 60. After a while I started contemplating my actions and why I was even driving. Most people would consider me to be crazy knowing I drove an hour just to watch a show for an hour and then drive home. Under normal circumstances, I would have to agree. But for me, it was the first solid decision I feel like I made for myself in a while.

Graduating can affect people in different ways. It's an ending to a chapter of life for most people, and deep contemplation tends to follow. My drive from Binghamton provided ample thinking time, and I believe I have discovered that I have been going through life on autopilot and I need to abandon that fast. My main motivations in life thus far have been geared towards helping others, which isn't a bad thing, but I feel like I have lost myself along the way. I have focused so much on doing for others and ensuring their happiness that I have lost sight of my own. Now don't get me wrong, I love helping people and purposefully chose a profession geared towards helping others, but I think that I am in desperate need of finding myself before I completely lose sight of who I am and what I am doing.

If I look back, I believe part of the problem is that I grew up way too fast. I have always been trying to keep up with my brother ever since I was a baby because I love and admire him. But I have also dealt with certain situations at a far younger age than most individuals. At 18, most high school girls are focused on getting ready to go to college and who to go to prom with. I, on the other hand, spent my spare time taking care of my neighbor's orchard and visiting him in Brooklyn as he slowly succumbed to lung cancer. For two years David fought bravely, and for most of it, you wouldn't have even noticed he was sick. I always felt that the tumors were much like the tent caterpillars that ate away at the trees in David's orchard. There only appeared to be surface damage on the leaves, much like chemo stealing David's hair. But it was long term exposure to caterpillars that eventually disintegrated the tree on the inside, much like the tumors inside David's body. Now that four years have passed, I can now use this analogy on myself. By not taking the time to focus on my own needs and aspirations, I am slowly disintegrating and losing touch with myself.

Society has become so focused on the final outcome that nobody seems to enjoy the process anymore. Distractions galore is what life has turned into and now nobody seems to know where they are going or how they got anywhere. They might have a vague recollection of what their purpose was, but usually they drift along aimlessly on autopilot. I unfortunately have to admit that I have become much like the rest of society. I have lost touch with my purpose in life and where I am going, or even why I do what I do. I just graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Exercise Science and anybody in the field can tell you that it is a very vague major. There are so many possible directions that one can go in within the field of exercise science that it's not even funny. Maybe it was my ironic way of avoiding making yet another decision in life to choose such a path.

I stumbled into the field because of my love of running, which always seems to bring up the question "Why do you run.?" Anybody who knows me well knows that I am a big fan of the answer "Why not?" in my attempt to avoid much thought process. But I am starting to realize that I really don't have a logical answer. I used to run for the enjoyment, then for the competitive aspect, but now I feel I run just because other people I know are running, which is not a good sign. I have a feeling that it has a lot to do with me having my life on autopilot. While on autopilot, I just perform actions, but don't always get enjoyment out of them because I don't take the time to focus on the process; only the result. A very good example of this would be the St. Luke's Half Marathon that I ran on April 25th. I enjoyed maybe the first 5K, but then I spent the majority of the race hoping that I would be in the last 5K so that I could finish strong and be done with the process. I didn't really look at much scenery, or even notice my brother at mile 10 taking pictures of me and cheering my name. I was too focused on finishing to bother enjoying the journey.

In contrast, on May 2nd, I did the Tough Mudder, a 7 mile obstacle course set up by the British Special Forces. I had no expectations of time going into the race. Heck, I didn't even consider it a race; more of an adventure that I hoped to survive with Chrissy and enjoy the challenges along the way. For the first time in a while, I participated in an event and absorbed every minute of my surroundings, instead of functioning on autopilot. I remember the hell of climbing the ski mountain, the joy of cooling off in the mud pit, the careful traverse of the woods, crawling through the grainy mud, blocking out my fear of heights and falling as Chrissy and I walked the plank, the kind people that helped me over the walls, the bumpy and painful slide down greased lightening, along with the searing heat and choking smoke of the fire walk at the finish. The fact that I can remember the event so vividly gives me hope that I am no longer coasting through life.

My point in this long ramble is that the hope for our trip is that I absorb each day to its fullest and don't focus on events down the road. I want to enjoy each day for itself and embrace the experience with childlike wonder. I want to be excited over little things such as the pigments in the sky, unique animals, and different accents that people might have. I hope to ditch my need to focus on the future and just enjoy the moment. I need to use this endeavor as a means of rediscovering myself and my passions in life by fully experiencing everything instead of just absorbing events and moving on to the next item on my agenda while on autopilot. It is time to officially abandon that way of life and recapture my lost youth, or I am bound to miss out on the true importance of living.